So I’ve got a few million-dollar ideas. Somehow, I haven’t ended up with several million dollars. There must be a problem with exchange rates. Here are just a few, which you can read FOR FREE – patent pending!

1. TV Show: “Great Caesar’s Ghost!”: A young man finds himself moving to Rome, transferred due to his marketing job. His father has recently died. He had a dysfunctional relationship with him and he is haunted by his memory. But there is a mystery behind the true life of his father. His father was a historian, and young…Jim, no, Greg, no, Eric, nah…Steven! Young Steven always hated history, and the pursuit of knowledge that took his father away from him while he was still alive.

Until he moves to Rome, where he can’t escape it! He goes to get a coffee and sees old gorgeous things everywhere. And to make everything worse (except the title of the show), his apartment is haunted by the ghost of one Caesar. Ghost-Nero is ebullient, wacky and magical. Steven starts a grease fire in his kitchen and Nero starts singin’ and playing the Lyre. His powers can take Steven through time, and let him replicate anything he wants! They go on various zany adventures through various-century Rome, missing trains in the 1920s, and hanging out with the Popes that knew how to throw a party. Finally, Steven is brought back in time to meet his father, and the exciting results will finally be revealed on the season finale! 

2. Invention: “Braille Speed-Reader” We all have the ability to scan over a page; and in the 21^st century it’s constantly useful (admit it: you either skimmed to get to this part, or you’re not reading it because you’ve already skimmed past it). I think the blind should be able to do anything we can.* So in that spirit, I would make a Slip n’ Slide, covered all the way down with Braille writing. The blind (visually impaired!) person would take off all of their clothes and slide all the way down, reading through some dense text in a matter of minutes!

3.  Another TV Show: “Prison Bitch” It would be similar to the classic HBO prison drama, Oz. It would be an animated romp set in a dog pound, with talking cartoon dogs. You would have the Latinos, the Aryan Brotherhood, the Mafia and the Yakuza Yakuza. They would fight over cage territory, vie for control of the treats and do it doggy-style to the new inmates. It would appear like various Disney movies about dogs, but would actually more closely resemble certain movies about cats. 

*I’ll use this moment to rant against Helen Keller (who’s always had it way too easy!) She once said “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.” Maybe Helen is right, but why should anyone take her as an authority on it? She’s never seen a painting or heard a song, how can she compare the beauty of them? It’s like someone saying “the feeling of running down an empty road at dawn is the only thing that will make you feel truly alive” when they have no feet. They’re not qualified to make that statement!